Book Review: “The Art of Neighboring: Building Genuine Relationships Right Outside Your Door” by Jay Pathak & Dave Runyon

If we went for a coffee today, maybe we could chat a bit about this book.

Where did I get it?

One of the ladies in our church sent it to me.

When I arrived here in Fort Walton Beach, my friend Roger Ulman suggested that I endeavour to visit each person that was part of the church in their home. It would give me an opportunity to get to know them, and for them to get to know me in a much more personal and informal way. I thought it was a good idea and it’s been great to visit people over the last year.

Gen went with me on this visit because it was someone that she had met and was interested in getting to know as well. It also gave us an opportunity to do it together. She was a widow, had a beautiful home, but spends a large portion of the year in her RV travelling all over the US.

She had read this book recently and put some of the suggestions into practice. It resulted in one of her neighbours attending church with her. She was exuberant about it.

I had read it several years ago, while we were in Ottawa and was grateful to refresh my memory.

What is it about?

The two authors seem to have been part of a city wide movement in Denver that had sparked a cultural shift in the city. The simple idea is to get to be intentional about know your neighbours. Our culture is so fragmented that we can live next door to people for decades and sometimes not even know their names. As Christians, we are commanded to love our neighbour, and this we should take seriously.

In the book, they tell their story, answer some objections to getting to know people, lay out a roadmap for what to do and how to do it and how to think about it. And, then the last portion of the book addresses the common problems that can arise in relationships. Let me give you some examples.

First, is that they encourage you to make a chart of your neighbourhood like the diagram on the front cover. Each square represents a home in that direction around your house. And, then try to see how much of the following information you can put in each square. Start with first and if you have it, last names of each person that lives in that house. Under that, put pertinent information that you could only know by talking with them (grew up in Idaho, is a lawyer, plays golf, is from Ethiopia, had a father in World War II). Under that, put some information that is in depth, their goals and dreams, their beliefs about life and reality etc…

They report:

• About 10% of people can fil out the names of all eight of their neighbours.

• About 3% of people can fill out some pertinent information.

• Less than 1% of people can fill out some in depth information.

That’s convicting if we take seriously the command to love our neighbours. In some cases, we don’t even know our neighbours.

On page 82, they tell the story of a lady named Diane who heard about this in her church and decided to start walking in her neighbourhood regularly and seeing if she could engage her neighbours in conversation. It worked, and she discovered that her neighbour was also a cancer survivor. On a subsequent conversation, she was astounded to learn that she was also a holocaust survivor. Diane comments:

“I am learning that there are people right around me that have incredible things to share with me and others. It’s like I have been living next to a gold mine, but I was too busy to know there was gold right next door.”

In chapter 7, the authors address what our motives as Christians should be when doing this. It’s important to distinguish between an “ulterior” motive and an “ultimate” motive.

“The “ulterior” motive in good neighbouring must never be to share the gospel.

But the “ultimate” motive is just that— to share the story of Jesus and his impact on our lives.

There’s a big difference. The “agenda” we need to drop is the well-meaning tendency to be friends with people for the sole purpose of converting them to our faith. Many so desperately want to move people forward spiritually that they push them according to their timetable, not according to how God is working in them. It’s tempting to offer friendship with strings attached.”

The last section of the book is a gold mine of relationship advice like this nugget from page 134:

“Think of a boundary as the difference between being… responsible “to” a person and responsible “for” a person.

The distinction between the two little words—“to” and “for”—may seem like a small nuance. But actually the distinction constitutes a bid difference in how we relate to people. Being responsible “to” people is healthy. It means we are responsible… to love them, to encourage them, to bless them, to pray for them, to serve them.

But, being responsible “for” poeple is unhealthy. In this case, it means we mistakenly take responsibility… for their wellbeing, for their finances, for their happiness, for their success or failure, for their spiritual progress, for the strength of their marriage and so on.”

All of chapter 11 was devoted to the topic of forgiveness, which inevitably comes up in the messiness of relationships.

What did I think?

I had two reactions to this book.

First, this comes across as devoid of the work of the Holy Spirit. It feels mechanical, deliberate, calculated, a program, something that any religion could pick up and do because it’s not reliant on the Holy Spirit.

That is an unfair criticism, I know. This is all well-meaning and well-intentioned and it’s cast in language for our culture who would get it. I also realize that if someone was to embark on this, they would become more spiritual as they would have to pray and there would be spiritual conversations, it would get messy and real and the Holy Spirit would get involved.

But, still, it perturbs my charismatic senses. I want to be open to love and share and minister to whoever the Lord brings across my path. And, really, honestly, this is a good strategy.

Which brings me to the strongest contribution this book makes, and worth reading and studying, and that is the relationship tips in the last part of the book. That is a goldmine, and something that our culture doesn’t discuss but is so helpful. I love this book for that reason alone.

Conclusion:

How are you doing on loving your neighbours? Do you even know your neighbours names? Pertinent information? In-depth information? Are you interested in learning how to be a better neighbour? This is an excellent resource in that endeavour. I highly recommend it.

And, I’ve implemented several of the suggestions over the years. I’m not a draw a chart and fill in the information kind of guy, but I’m definitely an engage people in conversation kind of person and interested in getting to an in-depth topic.

I have an ultimate motive!

soon!

andy